[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
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Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
A friend sent me this.
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
6. me as a lawyer
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.