I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
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My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
Fidel Castro was alive?
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…