Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
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my dad when a sex scene comes on
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.