I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
You Might Also Like
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
How to find Kentucky on a map
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed