cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
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My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.