how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
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I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.