[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
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Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
eggs benadryl
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.