FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
You Might Also Like
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.