someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
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[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.