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Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
Always a metermaid never a meter
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.