I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
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I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
I was on a sofa next to my wife who was eating a snack and typing on her phone, I heard my phone ringing in the kitchen where I was charging it so I went to check it …
The SMS was from my wife, she wrote “Bring me a drink on your way back”
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?