the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
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Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
Taliband
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.