The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
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“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake