Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
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Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion