“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
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sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
c’mon!
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
Folks ask me if I ever get tired of putting smiles on the faces of kids and their families in my job as a theme park mascot and my answer is always the same: God yes, are there any openings where you work?