Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
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Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?