The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
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Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please