Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
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-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.