Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
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On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
Weirdly Wednesday.
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
Sunday
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
This is true.
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise