Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
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I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”