A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”
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Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
*watches the world burn*
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
i think my razor is having a panic attack
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
Watson was Holmes schooled
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)