Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
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My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
Easy enough.
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.