[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
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ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
security at the airport getting more straightforward
Another interesting #factupdates post!
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.