Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
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me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
After 35, your body ages in dog years
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
[montage of me giving-up]
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
excuse me
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No