This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
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If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
Before crowbars crows drank alone
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.