I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
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I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
i’m sure it’s fine
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
my astrological sign is a french fry
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird