We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
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Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
Dog: I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO OUTSIDE NOW TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO SO BAD
Me: omg okay
[45 minutes into our walk]
Me: OMG GO TO THE BATHROOM
Dog: none of these spots meet my strict criteria
we once had a detour a flight from NYC to Denver in Detroit to refuel because “we didn’t think you would bring so much stuff” to Denver…where there are mountains to ski on.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.