“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
You Might Also Like
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I鈥檓 so proud.
She鈥檚 in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
This should not be this funny I am sorry馃槶馃槶馃槶
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It鈥檚 a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
They say Stouffer鈥檚 family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]