Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
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I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
The Birdles
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?