It’s tough getting user casket reviews
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When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.