Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
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I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
Me as a therapist: omg same
I wish this was real life…
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great