Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
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For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.