Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan