My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
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great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.