Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
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Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
handsome & gretel
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.