My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
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sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
Finished stitching this today 😇
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!