I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
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Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
britain’s three elite institutions
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators