I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
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Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
Stop being racist to kettles.
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.