Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
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Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story