[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
You Might Also Like
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
consequences, the bane of my existence
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.