me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
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Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
Raisins are grape jerky.
Why do meteors always land in craters?
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination