*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
You Might Also Like
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.