Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
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Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
never compromise your values
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.