i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
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I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
*praying for world peace*
God:
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.