a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
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Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.