Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
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My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
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/Expectation:
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( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
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(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.