opening a flower shop called women in stem
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*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
This made me chuckle.
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.