Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
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Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
50 shades of grey = my Liver
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
lost dog
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.