eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
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What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.