Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
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[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk